The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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