oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
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Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
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Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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