so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
