ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
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Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
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The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
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