Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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