Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
