ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
