I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
