I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
