I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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