Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
