Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
