I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
