I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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