I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
