i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Randomize
