and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
