your parents love me but you hate me
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize