Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
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I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
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And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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