using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
