I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
