no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
