I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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