genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
