# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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