Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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