Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
