so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
