Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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