I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
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the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
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You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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