Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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