If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
