I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
