I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
