All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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