Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
