We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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