wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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