Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
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Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
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So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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