this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
