Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
