i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
