You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
