Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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