worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
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I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
my poor anus
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I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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