there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
