Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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