I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
