I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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