I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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