The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
