Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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